a long overdue update.

"To a man on a mountain road by night, a glimpse of the next three feet of road may matter more than a vision of the horizon."

-C.S. Lewis

These last 2 weeks have been a bit of a roller coaster (which is apparently 2 words and not 1.. thank you spell check). I wanted to wait until I had something definitive to write about, but then stuff started happening really fast and I didn't have time blog at all. Sorry this is delayed in coming, but here's the update...

Two weekends ago, I got a call from a GI doctor at MD Anderson who said his wife was the one who had seen my slide in pathology. He said he wanted didn't want me to wait another day to hear from someone and confirmed most of the things I had previously thought about my condition. It is extremely rare, slow spreading, and most likely would require surgery or a transplant. He told me I should meet with an oncologist in the Sarcoma Oncology Center at MDA and also find a liver surgeon to discuss the potential of transplantation. I was thankful that someone cared enough to get in touch and let me know that they were getting the ball rolling. The next week I called the Sarcoma department and found out I could not get an appointment for another 5-6 weeks. It was disheartening thinking about waiting that long without any idea about what treatment was going to look like, but I figured it was better than no appointment at all. My dad started pursuing finding a liver doctor in Houston. Through a doctor he knew in Tyler, he was connected to a doc at Vanderbilt who then talked to a surgeon in Houston who is one of the best liver surgeons in the country. God definitely orchestrated it all.

Anyways, long story short... someone called on Friday from Methodist Hospital to talk to my dad and we were able to schedule an MRI and appointment with the surgeon for Wednesday. It happened really fast! Wednesday morning I had blood work, an MRI and a CT scan of my chest (to make sure the cancer had not spread to my lungs). I was very impressed by everyone I met at Methodist, and the morning went very smoothly. I was nervous about my afternoon appointment with the surgeon simply because I feared what he would have to say. I prayed hard that the tumors had not spread into my lungs or anywhere else in my body. Waiting in the doctor's office for him to come in was probably the worst part of the day. When the doctor finally came in he said, "Do you want me to give it to you straight? You need a transplant." He told me that there were several tumors on both sides of my liver, so a re-section would not be possible. I got to look at the MRI... which was REALLY cool to see and I counted about 8 dark spots without looking very hard. Basically, if he tried to take out the cancer and re-section my liver, it would look like a piece of swiss cheese. Not enough to live on for sure. If the tumors had all been on one side of my liver, they could take half of it out and it would re-generate into a new whole liver. (Another AMAZING thing about the human body!)

The surgeon then explained to me that I would have to go through a few days of different interviews to get on the transplant list. He said because I was young and healthy and not an alcoholic or smoker, getting on the list would not be a problem, however, because I am not in critical condition, it would be difficult to get me high up on the list. Also, because I have such a rare cancer there really is no "ranking" for it (they rank liver conditions based on need and the highest need goes to the top of the list). He said they would try to get an exception made for my condition. The doctor has a daughter my age, and I really feel like he sympathizes with my case. I know he is on my team and will do whatever it takes to get me a liver. I also LOVE the PA working for him. She has already been a huge blessing in this situation as she was the one to orchestrate me getting into the clinic so quickly. The doctor emphasized that I was in great health and that this was probably a condition I have had for quite a while, maybe even since I was a kid. He is a liver transplant surgeon and has only seen 5 cases of what I have EVER. He told me to keep on living life how I have been.. not to give up any traveling, food, sports (besides contact sports), etc. The doctor kept emphasizing that he was going to fix me up. This cancer was not caused by anything I have done which is baffling but also comforting. God knew this was going to happen to me and is allowing me to go through it. I don't know the answer to all of the why's right now, but that is not important to me. I know who I serve and know what he is capable of doing in and through me.

Phew!!! So yeah, it has been a lot to swallow the last 48 hours. I keep asking my parents how they are doing and I think we are all just sort of processing what is going on right now. I have to go through three days of interviews and classes next week (Mon-Wed) to even get on the transplant list at all. Someone told me yesterday that they couldn't imagine what it would be like to be in my shoes... and I thought to myself, you know, I can't imagine being in my shoes either! It just doesn't feel real to me yet, and God has blessed me with so much JOY and PEACE during all of this. Don't get me wrong.. I'm still scared out of my mind. In happier news, I have felt REALLY good (healthy) lately. I worked out for an hour on Monday with only minimal nausea and played tennis for a couple hours on Tuesday! I've started eating as healthy as I can handle despite the outlandish grocery bill. Really, they shouldn't be allowed to charge that much just because something has the word organic on it. Also, I'm 95% sure I'm getting a puppy soon! Life really is so good.

On a more serious note, I've been really convicted about something lately. I've found that often times in my life, it takes the realization of my own human weakness to bring me back to full dependence on God. The more in control of my life and circumstances I feel, the less I feel the need for God... as if somehow just because things are going well I need his mercy less. Self-sufficiency and complacency are two huge battles that hinder my spiritual growth. I am so often distracted from what is IMPORTANT by what is right in front of me. That is one reason I am very thankful for what I am going through right now. Sure, I would never choose this path on my own, but God is using my vulnerability and weakness to remind me of my utter need for Him. Everyone needs a good reminder every now and then that we are completely mortal. Ignoring this fact is like failing to acknowledge that its raining... it won't stop you from getting wet.

Anyways, going through all of this has been hard but very refreshing. It's incredibly freeing to know that we ultimately are not in control of our circumstances, only how we react to them. Now I'm not saying that because I don't have control of my cancer I should just sit back and let whatever is going to happen, happen... that is just stupid. I'm going to do everything I can to fight it... from getting the best medical treatment possible to eating healthy to falling on my face every morning in prayer. What I AM saying is that my life is not my own to begin with, it is an incredible gift from God that I never deserved in the first place. Worrying and stressing about what is going to happen to me is a complete waste of time and will not change the outcome in the slightest.

Okay, so... this is how you can pray for me this week:

-Pray that things go smoothly Monday-Wednesday and that I am able to get on a transplant list.

-Pray that God provides a liver for me quickly.

-Pray for complete healing (b/c God is completely capable of this!)

I want to thank y'all soooooooo much for all of the emails, calls, facebook messages, etc. that I have received the last couple weeks. Seriously, WOW. I feel so incredibly loved and supported and know that God is going to honor our prayers! For those of you that I have not messaged back yet, I'm SO sorry. I've been pretty overwhelmed with busyness and promise I will respond soon :). It's very humbling being in this position, just knowing so many people care and are thinking about you and praying for you.. I feel SO undeserving but thankful at the same time.

Well, that's all I got for now!! Take it easy. Oh, and GO MAVS!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"In his heart a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps." -Proverbs 16:9

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." -James 1:2-4

"But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me." -II Corinthians 12:9

"See now that I am He! There is no God besides me. I put to death and I bring to life, I have wounded and I will heal, and no one can deliver out of my hand." -Deuteronomy 32:39